omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
