Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Randomize
