oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
