New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
