He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
