the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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