dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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