I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
