Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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