I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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