I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
