only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
