Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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