Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
