My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You're a waste of cheezeits
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
