Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We have started to decorate penises.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
