I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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