i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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