It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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