Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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