Porn is love you can see.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We had to coat check the pizza.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
