So drunk its hurt
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
