eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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