the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
