Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
