Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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