Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
