Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
