WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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