Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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