I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Randomize
