so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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