just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
