OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize