I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
