I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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