Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
