i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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