I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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