I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
