With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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