she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
