I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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