Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
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