I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
