I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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