I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
