Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize