I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
