i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize