so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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