I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
