omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
